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Victoria Wood

Fond girly giggles 


If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.


We’d like to apologise to our viewers in the north…………it must be awful for them.


A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, “You took your time” when he comes back dripping wet.


A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.


Sexual harassment at work… is it a problem for the self-employed?


People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.


All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn’t want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.


I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.


The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”


I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.


I’ve got a degree, does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.


My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.


It will be a traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, door slamming and people bursting into tears, but without the dead thing in the middle. We’re vegetarians.


Life’s not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.


My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.


When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”



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