Duck Joke

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says:

“What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!”

 

Blonde Joke

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man  whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me.  I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.  They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day.Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $200 for your trouble”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car  and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of  San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two  chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded,  “I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde.”But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”