Britsoc: The British Society of Amsterdam and the Netherlands. Serving the British Expat community since 1920.

Jokes of the Month—May 2016

Jokes of the Month—May 2016

By Alison  Smith

 

An Englishman, an Irishman, and Scottish man are drinking in a bar.
A fly lands in the Englishman’s pint.  The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another.
A fly lands in the Scottish man’s pint.  The Scottish man looks at the fly, shrugs,  and just drinks the fly down.
A fly lands in the Irishman’s pint.  The Irishman is furious.  He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while screaming, “Spit it out ya wee bugger!”

 

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

 ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’