Britsoc: The British Society of Amsterdam and the Netherlands. Serving the British Expat community since 1920.

All posts in Humour and Comedy

Summer Jokes

Categories: Fun, Humour and Comedy
Comments Off on Summer Jokes

By Alison Smith

 

Duck Joke

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”

 

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says:

“What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!”

 

Blonde Joke

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man  whose truck had broken down.

 

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

 

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

 

“Not for me.  I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.  They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day.Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $200 for your trouble”

 

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car  and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of  San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two  chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

 

“What are you doing here?” he demanded,  “I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

 

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde.”But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

 

Jokes of the Month—May 2016

Categories: Fun, Humour and Comedy
Comments Off on Jokes of the Month—May 2016

By Alison  Smith

 

An Englishman, an Irishman, and Scottish man are drinking in a bar.
A fly lands in the Englishman’s pint.  The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another.
A fly lands in the Scottish man’s pint.  The Scottish man looks at the fly, shrugs,  and just drinks the fly down.
A fly lands in the Irishman’s pint.  The Irishman is furious.  He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while screaming, “Spit it out ya wee bugger!”

 

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

 ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

It’s speaking British that kills you

Categories: Beauty and health, Humour and Comedy
Comments Off on It’s speaking British that kills you

Love this Japanese Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap. Read more

Britsoc Comedian Paul Huxley

Categories: Humour and Comedy
Comments Off on Britsoc Comedian Paul Huxley

If you have always wanted to try improv, if you have taken a class and would like to continue growing your skills or if you simply want to enjoy a couple of hours of fun and laughter with like-minded people, easylaughs offers drop-in improv workshops in English every Sunday afternoon where everyone is welcome and no experience is required.

If they can make Paul Huxley funny then there is hope for all of us. Watch and learn!

Read more